i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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