isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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