well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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