in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
