all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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