Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
