I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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