do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
