I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
