Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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