wakey wakey hands off snakey
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
