I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize