I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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