A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
