Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
