If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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