the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
