i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
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