"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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