Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
you had me at cake vodka
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
