my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
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