I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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