just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
