There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
