so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
