My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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