You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize