Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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