This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
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