he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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