I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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