Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
