Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
