She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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