someone get that fucking seahorse.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
