I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
