PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
