He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
