I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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