Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
