You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I pour the whiskey from now on
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
