i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
