make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
