You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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