Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize