now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
