oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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