I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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