i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
