I accidentally had phone sex last night
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
