Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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