Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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