Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
