She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
