Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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