two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
