I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
