he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
