PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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