why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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