1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
