My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
