So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
