i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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