What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I think I just sharted jello shots
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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