Apparently you make a good broom.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
It's like God shit irony all over that family
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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