Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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