I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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