I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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