Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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