not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
