i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
