I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We left an ass print on the piano.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Randomize