i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
