i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
