So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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