haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
