the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
