I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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